Today was not a good day...
The moment I just typed that sentence I wanted to erase it bc it's not a positive statement and I hate talking negatively, but in all reality its the truth.
I read my horoscope yesterday for the month of June. I hardly do that, but I was reading about Kim & Kanye's baby and some Astrologer had her 2cents and I went to her website. For the Month of June it was a pretty good report... the thing that stuck in my head was verbatim:: "June 19th in particular will be a great health day. Whether you are having a procedure or appointment, you will receive great news". WHORE!!!
I'm 24w today and was so excited to hit our First Major Milestone- getting the Tweebs their first Steroid Shot to help their lungs develop in case they come early. It was another early 7:30am appt. Ultrasound, Doc Appt, Steroid Shot was supposed to happen in that hour. For the most part it did, but add in a Glucose test, stress, tears and 5 hours and I guess you can say I got everything in I needed too.
I had the same U/S Tech this week as last, actually this is now the 3rd time I've had her. It was actually relieving to see her. She is very thorough and explanatory of what she's looking at. Of course she never tells if its "ok" but at least I know what she's looking at. It was a full U/S with Fetal Echo, measurements and cervical check. I told Hubs the other day that I felt like one of the babies was really low. My pubic bone area seemed a little "swollen" and I could feel movement down there. Sure enough, BA was all the way down there. We couldn't even get a face shot bc she was facing towards my back and down so low. She looked great despite her positioning, heartbeat, measurements, fluid, etc... Her Heartbeat was strong, she measured 5 days ahead (24w 5d) of where we are gestational wise. BB was moving a lot, she was transverse again, kinda laying diagonally with her head by BA's head. She also looked great and was measuring 4 days ahead (24w 4d). Still no sign of TTTS thank goodness... most likely that will not be a factor since it has not happened already... that's definitely something I need add to my Blessing later tonight.
Then it was time for the Cervical Check... this has become quite the routine. This Tech prefers I guide it in. It always makes me feel weird doing that lol. She turned the screen away from me, but I could still see. What I saw disturbed me without knowing exact measurements. BA's head was all the way down on the Funnel and the Funnel looked pretty large. She measured my length and all I could see was that it was 1.something cms. She told me it was under 2cm and she was going to call Dr. G to rescan me. She left the room a little before 9am... he came in at 9:40am. Now I usually don't mind a wait, but I was in the basement of the Hospital, I had ZERO reception and 50% battery life... that is like the worst case scenario EVER. I texted me Hubs and he tried calling. I could only get Cell coverage when I laid the phone on the bed so he had to be on Speaker. I immediately started crying when I told him bc I knew it wasn't good news... as always he was so positive and optimistic. I could tell he felt guilty about not coming, but Mom and Swiss had Dentist Appts and he's been working so much I thought him & Ava could use the one on one. Of course I immediately wished he would have been there, but I told him not too. I texted Jesley bc she requested an update and also my cousin Ale (she's a Labor & Delivery, Nurse Practioner (L&D NP)) and I keep her in the loop on everything bc she knows this stuff! They all gave encouraging words and even without the doctors talk I still felt upset. I had no idea what he would even say.
After the LONG 40mins he finally came in... he just looked at the Babies Hearts again. There are certain side effects from the Indomethican, like drying up the Amniotic Fluid and causing issues with the hearts, but they were both great so I can keep up the medicine for another few weeks or unless something changes. He didn't redo my Cervical Length, just looked at her scans again and concurred with the Tech. He told me they didn't want to see me under 2cm and I was now measuring 1.9cm. He said I have a "Dynamic Cervix" which means it can go up and down even as he scans me... But the fact that it hasn't gone to 3cm or above is still concerning and now it has dropped below 2cm. You would think I have a Dynamic Cervix to match my personality, but in this case its not so much a good thing.
The room was dark in order to see the Ultrasounds Scans better and he sat on the tiny bed with me, his hand on mine... I IMMEDIATELY felt the tears well up in my eyes. He said that we're not in a horrible place and we may never get there, but we aren't in a very good place either. The best part is that the babies look amazing, big and healthy... The bad part is that Pre-Term Labor needs to be a part of my thought process here on out. I need to keep positive because it helps, but need to be prepared. He said he's glad we're at 24w to start the shots and we can only take it one week at a time, no more looking ahead. That was enough to send me over the edge... I could tell he was generally concerned and that he hated telling me this. The Tech tried to comfort me too, I just needed a good cry and so they let me have one. When I collected myself enough to be able to look at him he continued... I needed to have my Diabetes Glucose test done today and also be put on blood thinners.... All I heard was the Charley Brown teacher WAAA WAAA WAH WAH WAHHHH. I asked him to tell me it all again and so he did... As soon as they left I just laid there and cried... he didn't say the babies were going to be born today, but it felt like he said that.
After I got dressed the Tech came back in and handed me the Script. I had to go from the basement to the 1st floor all full red face and crying eyes and through the busiest part of the large hospital that sits in a smaller town. I was convinced I would see someone and its the last thing I wanted... to see someone I knew. The Lab Tech upstairswas confused why I was getting this Glucose done all the time so they had to call my doc and confirm. I guess they don't usually just write a script on a mins notice. So she gave me the "orange pop" and it tasted pretty good at first.. I hardly ever drink pop anymore so it was a great treat, until I got to the bottom. It just tasted like strong orange pop that made me burp, hard to swallow and almost a bitter sugary feel. She looked at the Clock and told me to be back at 11:10am, an hour later.
I went up to my Doc appt to get the "official news". I had to pee in the little Dixie cup and this time I peed all over my hand before it went in the cup. Just my luck!! I got enough for a sample and cleaned myself up. How am I going to pee in this little tiny cup when I can't even see my Hotbox let alone place this in the right place for a collection?! My blood pressure was surprisingly "perfect". So I sat in the recliner waiting on Dr. G & Carol to come back in... about 20mins later they did. We went over everything again. It seemed more "serious" than sad this time around. Which didn't stop me from crying... but the bright lights in the room made me concentrate on his words a little more. I was going to stay on the Indomethican, be put on Strict Bed Rest- his words were to get up to pee and clean myself up and I can move to a couch or sit outside ONLY AFTER I have already been resting awhile. I asked him what our Short Term Goal was... we've always had "get to 24w for shots, and then at least 27w". Today he just said... "let's just take it one week at a time. I don't want to give you time frames because you could be in the hospital next week. Of course there is a chance they will stay put, but we need to take it week at a time and not weeks".
Cry Cry Cry Cry Cry Cry
I need to start Heparin (blood thinner)- I have to Inject myself twice a day in my stomach for at least a month. He told me this wasn't a strong enough dose to cause excessive bleeding in case I do go into Labor, but it is strong enough to help against blood clots since I won't be moving much. At 11:05am my alarm went off on my phone and I had to go back down to the 1st floor from the 3rd to get my blood drawn. I of course was still all cry face and distraught and I got in the elevator with an oblivious weirdo. She saw I was pregnant and I smiled at her.... She told me congrats, boy or girl? Told her twin girls! She asked when I was due and I told her Oct 9th and then she said... "honey you are way to big, you might have those babies next week". I started to laugh with her... her laugh was hearty & genuine, mine was like a pervert creep laugh that just got caught looking at someone through a peep hole and that made me laugh so hard I had to bend over because I started laughing harder and crying at the same time. If I would have peed my pants it would have been an even more Awesome day. She stopped at laughing and asked me if I was ok... I said breathlessly "Never been better"!!! Just as the doors open and I ran out into the lobby. The drew my blood and then back upstairs I went...
Carol showed me how to "inject" myself with the needle, what to do and what to look for. Then we walked over to L&D so I could get my Steroid Shot. I got right in and sat in a cute little room with two rocker/recliners. I got some Magazines when I saw my Bestie Jenmay's sister walk by! She's a L&D RN and she could tell I had been crying. I gave her an update and she is just so sweet. We talked awhile and then she had to go... she's 15w pregnant with her first! The RN came in with my shot and told me its painful, I also heard it was. She told me to drop my pants half way down. I look around the room... no bed... no sheet? I'm not modest by any means by I was surprised we were doing it here... now... She told me to come over to the recliner and bend over. With my pants around my butt I had to shuffle my feet over. She chose the right cheek so I put that knee on the recliner and all my weight on my left side. It didn't hurt... it stung like heck, but not painful at all. It was quick and I was done. I go back tomorrow around 12 for my 2nd dose. I left there at 12:30... 5 hours after I got there...
I'm at home resting... I haven't cried much since I left. I know this is what's needed, but again I feel guilty. I feel bad for Ava. I know she won't remember this, but I can't help but be sad for her, for me, our family. I'm a faithful believer but I'm also human and worry. The last thing I ever want to think of is if I did something wrong for this to happen... so if you see me, please do not say anything like... "well maybe you shouldn't have..." or "maybe you should have done...." It's in the past... the docs knew what I was doing and I never kept them in the dark about any of my plans like visiting people or going to a wedding reception in a wheelchair. The agreed I can do things as long as I sit and take it easy... so please remember... I have enough weighing on my heart and don't want to add anything that makes me think I caused this somehow.
Hubs went to the Storage unit to get all the baby stuff that can fit in his SUV... its all becoming real. But... God listens to prayers and if he needs these babies here early, so be it... they could quite possibly be the best 30th Birthday Present Ever!
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