10 days ago was the girls two month check up. I knew going in Lola would probably have a low weight gain. I wasn't sure what she weighed since her 1m check up, but I was certain it wasn't much more. She's just a tad too big for newborn clothes, some she can still fit, but she swims in all her 0-3m outfits. A few days before the appt Mila has stopped gulping down her bottles and I noticed some of the similar clicks that Lola has. I was hoping that maybe its just a tiny cold. I've been sick all week.
I woke that Monday with chills and severe body aches. I felt like I had the flu. I immediately thought I had Mastitis. I've never had it, but I have a friend that did and know enough about it to know what it entails. The only symptom I didn't have was the red/pink swollen & tender boobs. Everything else was there... maybe I just had the flu? or a bad cold? There isn't a huge choice of meds you can take when breastfeeding and when I'm sick I like my body to try and fight it off itself for 24hours before I intervene. My fever broke that night and even though I was feeling better a week later, I'm still no where near 100%, but the show must go on.
Lola went first, she weighed in at 8lbs 10oz (1%). I felt like throwing up, that is only one pound since her 1 month appt. I was hoping (more like praying) she was at least in the 9lb range. She is 22 1/4in (34%) long and 14 3/4 (22%) head circumference. I already knew things weren't going to go well for her. At 2months old, she's basically the size of a brand new baby, minus the height, but lord.. she sure is beautiful. Since she is so tiny, all of her features are more prominent, especially her eyes. She has such soft & feminine features. I tried not to think about what the doc would say about her weight, gain, but it was all I could think about. Mila went next, she was 11lbs 3oz (42%), 23 1/4in (79%) long & her head was 15 3/4 (90%)!! I'm a pretty good guesser... I was guessing Mila was 11lbs and that Lola (at least hoping) was 9lbs.
We had Ava with us at the appt. I have no idea why we always insist on keeping the family together. It always seems like a good idea until Ava decides she wants to run all over tarnations, so that means Hubs keeps her occupied while I handle the twins. She is a really well behaved child, but of course she's curious and gets bored. So our creativity really gets put into full swing when we're out places and one of us has our concentration elsewhere.
While we were cramped in the little patient room, it quickly started to smell like grown man poop. I first asked Marc if that was him, because a few mins earlier he opened the door and farted outside the crack. I was cracking up, feeling bad for anyone that might walk past the green cloud. He assured me the fart didn't follow him in. So we start down the list of kids... Mila no, Lola maybe... she smelled like poop, but she was dry, she gets really bad gas. Then I ask Ava and she said... No just pee. I ask her again and she said, yes poopy and pee on potty. I peeked in her diaper and she was the culprit. Hubs swooped her up onto the exam table next to the girls and started changing the diaper. It was really as if it were no big deal. They looked like an assembly line of poopers. Once we got her diaper changed I realized I couldn't find our "diaper bags"- the thin little bags you put dirty diapers or clothes in (like a dogs poop bag). There was no way I ws going to leave this steamy hot diaper in the room for the doc to smell and next patients to suffer through. So I grabbed a latex glove, shoved it inside, tied a knot and tossed it. I must admit, I've become pretty Macgyver-esque since having half a volleyball team in my posse.
Dr. C came in and she is just wonderful. Although I'm pretty sure when you walk into a little room, with two other adults, a toddler and two infants a certain level of anxiety has to come up. Beebs was over the whole being confined to a little room moment so she opened the door and walked out. Plus I'm sure she remembers the nurse jamming two needles in her arm just two weeks prior. We let her walk out since there was no need to keep her in. Plus my mind is like a steal trap when it comes to talking about the girls & their health.
She said Mila looked great, but she was confident she might have a mild case of LM. I started to get hot. I told her I didn't want to assume that was the case just because Lola had it, but she said since they are identical, the chances of them having the same health concerns is a lot higher than fraternal twins. Of course you don't want to imagine your kids getting sick, but you can't help but think now if one does, the other can have the same problems as well. That's a lot of heartache. She recommended that we call our ENT, Dr. M and have him squeeze Mila in at our 6w follow up Dec 4th. Mila also favors her right side still. I have them do tummy time quite a bit now and TRY my hardest to get in their little neck exercises and make sure they are looking the "opposite" way, but it is so hard. It usually hits me after they are in their "natural" position for about 20mins that I need to adjust them. Mila's belly button was still a little "open" so she cauterized it with silver nitrate. Its still kinda black looking from 10 days ago!!!!
Then it was Lola's turn. She wasn't happy with the weight gain and with her only being in the 1% that's not good. She said she wanted me to add 1/2teaspoon of the actual powder of Enfamil's preemie formula "Enfacare" to 3oz of breastmilk. This will up the calorie intake to like 26 calories or something? She said she wanted Lola back in a month for a weight check, but if I felt like she wasn't gaining before then, then I needed to call and come in immediately. If Lola doesn't have a significant weight increase by Dec 15th, they will need to medically intervene. I told her I didn't want to know what that entailed at that moment, but I already know. She will probably need some sort of feeding tube. Of course what ever is best, I will do, but I just can't imagine. I know that will give her the nutrition and ounces she needs, but I can't help but feel like this is my fault too. Lola's hernia was almost completely closed, so she said no need for surgery there. Woo hoo!
She was happy with their overall development and they don't seem to lack anywhere else and are doing 2 month old stuff, but she said she wanted them both to have physical therapy, to help prevent "torticollis" & "Plagia"!!? I know I spelled them wrong. The first one is muscular and the second one is flat spot. Surprisingly Lola's range of motion and head control is a lot better than Mila's, but nonetheless they both need extra work. Mila looks down and to the right a little more. Its hard to get her to move her head the other way. When she told me that she wanted the PT once a week I started to cry. She immediately felt horrible and I apologized and said I felt so guilty. Like I could have prevented this if I spent more time doing the exercises and tummy time and now here we are... I have a baby that is 2 months old, the size of newborn who will need medical intervention if she doesn't put on weight asap, another baby with possible Laryngamalacia (LM) like her sister and now they both need physical therapy once a week. As if I wasn't overwhelmed as it is and I was very sick at the time... Marc of course came in during the tears and I just told him in a nutshell what was going on. A minute later he ran back out of the room after Ava. I know God will only give you what you can handle and I just can't imagine that he has more faith in me than I do myself. Everyday is a test and I won't say its a struggle, but its close. This is not easy.
The girls each got two shots per leg so that was another ordeal to deal with. Twice the pain and screams. We consoled them and we left. Ava remembers there are "thucketh" (suckers) where we check out and before I know it she had a mini bouquet in her hand with a huge smile. I told her she could only keep one and had to leave the rest for the other kids. She actually agreed and put them back. She knows I don't let her have them in the car (choking while I'm driving is not what I want to add to my list) so she went to down on it before I took it from her.
When we got in the car I took a deep breath.. trying to go over all the info in my head. How can you not have major mom guilt??? I'm told none of this is my fault, but how can it not be? At least just a little? If someone tells you there is something wrong with your child, minor or major it is the worst feeling ever. Your heart breaks for them and you also carry this burden around if you're doing the right thing and start to question yourself EVEN more as a mother. I got a grip and instead of crying (again) I just told myself things could be so MUCH worse. They could have came WAY to early and not even be here to celebrate 2 months of life, they could have came early and could have spent a very long time in the NICU and had lasting issues, they could have SEVERE cases of LM or even their flat spots... everything COULD BE worse, but its not. I just have to remind myself that. No matter how bad I feel for myself!
Doctors diaper duty line!!!
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