2 Month Check up! 10 days ago lol

Well... we didn't have the best appointment

10 days ago was the girls two month check up. I knew going in Lola would probably have a low weight gain. I wasn't sure what she weighed since her 1m check up, but I was certain it wasn't much more. She's just a tad too big for newborn clothes, some she can still fit, but she swims in all her 0-3m outfits. A few days before the appt Mila has stopped gulping down her bottles and I noticed some of the similar clicks that Lola has. I was hoping that maybe its just a tiny cold. I've been sick all week.

I woke that Monday with chills and severe body aches. I felt like I had the flu. I immediately thought I had Mastitis. I've never had it, but I have a friend that did and know enough about it to know what it entails. The only symptom I didn't have was the red/pink swollen & tender boobs. Everything else was there... maybe I just had the flu? or a bad cold? There isn't a huge choice of meds you can take when breastfeeding and when I'm sick I like my body to try and fight it off itself for 24hours before I intervene. My fever broke that night and even though I was feeling better a week later, I'm still no where near 100%, but the show must go on.

Lola went first, she weighed in at 8lbs 10oz (1%). I felt like throwing up, that is only one pound since her 1 month appt. I was hoping (more like praying) she was at least in the 9lb range. She is 22 1/4in (34%) long and 14 3/4 (22%) head circumference. I already knew things weren't going to go well for her. At 2months old, she's basically the size of a brand new baby, minus the height, but lord.. she sure is beautiful. Since she is so tiny, all of her features are more prominent, especially her eyes. She has such soft & feminine features. I tried not to think about what the doc would say about her weight, gain, but it was all I could think about. Mila went next, she was 11lbs 3oz (42%), 23 1/4in (79%) long & her head was 15 3/4 (90%)!! I'm a pretty good guesser... I was guessing Mila was 11lbs and that Lola (at least hoping) was 9lbs.

We had Ava with us at the appt. I have no idea why we always insist on keeping the family together. It always seems like a good idea until Ava decides she wants to run all over tarnations, so that means Hubs keeps her occupied while I handle the twins. She is a really well behaved child, but of course she's curious and gets bored. So our creativity really gets put into full swing when we're out places and one of us has our concentration elsewhere.

While we were cramped in the little patient room, it quickly started to smell like grown man poop. I first asked Marc if that was him, because a few mins earlier he opened the door and farted outside the crack. I was cracking up, feeling bad for anyone that might walk past the green cloud. He assured me the fart didn't follow him in. So we start down the list of kids... Mila no, Lola maybe... she smelled like poop, but she was dry, she gets really bad gas. Then I ask Ava and she said... No just pee. I ask her again and she said, yes poopy and pee on potty. I peeked in her diaper and she was the culprit. Hubs swooped her up onto the exam table next to the girls and started changing the diaper. It was really as if it were no big deal. They looked like an assembly line of poopers. Once we got her diaper changed I realized I couldn't find our "diaper bags"- the thin little bags you put dirty diapers or clothes in (like a dogs poop bag). There was no way I ws going to leave this steamy hot diaper in the room for the doc to smell and next patients to suffer through. So I grabbed a latex glove, shoved it inside, tied a knot and tossed it. I must admit, I've become pretty Macgyver-esque since having half a volleyball team in my posse.

Dr. C came in and she is just wonderful. Although I'm pretty sure when you walk into a little room, with two other adults, a toddler and two infants a certain level of anxiety has to come up. Beebs was over the whole being confined to a little room moment so she opened the door and walked out. Plus I'm sure she remembers the nurse jamming two needles in her arm just two weeks prior. We let her walk out since there was no need to keep her in. Plus my mind is like a steal trap when it comes to talking about the girls & their health.

She said Mila looked great, but she was confident she might have a mild case of LM. I started to get hot. I told her I didn't want to assume that was the case just because Lola had it, but she said since they are identical, the chances of them having the same health concerns is a lot higher than fraternal twins. Of course you don't want to imagine your kids getting sick, but you can't help but think now if one does, the other can have the same problems as well. That's a lot of heartache. She recommended that we call our ENT, Dr. M and have him squeeze Mila in at our 6w follow up Dec 4th. Mila also favors her right side still. I have them do tummy time quite a bit now and TRY my hardest to get in their little neck exercises and make sure they are looking the "opposite" way, but it is so hard. It usually hits me after they are in their "natural" position for about 20mins that I need to adjust them. Mila's belly button was still a little "open" so she cauterized it with silver nitrate. Its still kinda black looking from 10 days ago!!!!

Then it was Lola's turn. She wasn't happy with the weight gain and with her only being in the 1% that's not good. She said she wanted me to add 1/2teaspoon of the actual powder of Enfamil's preemie formula "Enfacare" to 3oz of breastmilk. This will up the calorie intake to like 26 calories or something? She said she wanted Lola back in a month for a weight check, but if I felt like she wasn't gaining before then, then I needed to call and come in immediately. If Lola doesn't have a significant weight increase by Dec 15th, they will need to medically intervene. I told her I didn't want to know what that entailed at that moment, but I already know. She will probably need some sort of feeding tube. Of course what ever is best, I will do, but I just can't imagine. I know that will give her the nutrition and ounces she needs, but I can't help but feel like this is my fault too. Lola's hernia was almost completely closed, so she said no need for surgery there. Woo hoo!

She was happy with their overall development and they don't seem to lack anywhere else and are doing 2 month old stuff, but she said she wanted them both to have physical therapy, to help prevent "torticollis" & "Plagia"!!? I know I spelled them wrong. The first one is muscular and the second one is flat spot. Surprisingly Lola's range of motion and head control is a lot better than Mila's, but nonetheless they both need extra work. Mila looks down and to the right a little more. Its hard to get her to move her head the other way. When she told me that she wanted the PT once a week I started to cry. She immediately felt horrible and I apologized and said I felt so guilty. Like I could have prevented this if I spent more time doing the exercises and tummy time and now here we are... I have a baby that is 2 months old, the size of newborn who will need medical intervention if she doesn't put on weight asap, another baby with possible Laryngamalacia (LM) like her sister and now they both need physical therapy once a week. As if I wasn't overwhelmed as it is and I was very sick at the time... Marc of course came in during the tears and I just told him in a nutshell what was going on. A minute later he ran back out of the room after Ava. I know God will only give you what you can handle and I just can't imagine that he has more faith in me than I do myself. Everyday is a test and I won't say its a struggle, but its close. This is not easy.

The girls each got two shots per leg so that was another ordeal to deal with. Twice the pain and screams. We consoled them and we left. Ava remembers there are "thucketh" (suckers) where we check out and before I know it she had a mini bouquet in her hand with a huge smile. I told her she could only keep one and had to leave the rest for the other kids. She actually agreed and put them back. She knows I don't let her have them in the car (choking while I'm driving is not what I want to add to my list) so she went to down on it before I took it from her.

When we got in the car I took a deep breath.. trying to go over all the info in my head. How can you not have major mom guilt??? I'm told none of this is my fault, but how can it not be? At least just a little? If someone tells you there is something wrong with your child, minor or major it is the worst feeling ever. Your heart breaks for them and you also carry this burden around if you're doing the right thing and start to question yourself EVEN more as a mother. I got a grip and instead of crying (again) I just told myself things could be so MUCH worse. They could have came WAY to early and not even be here to celebrate 2 months of life, they could have came early and could have spent a very long time in the NICU and had lasting issues, they could have SEVERE cases of LM or even their flat spots... everything COULD BE worse, but its not. I just have to remind myself that. No matter how bad I feel for myself!

Doctors diaper duty line!!!

Mommy Guilt

ok, so I've posted a couple times about me crying. Its mainly because I feel bad... like I'm not giving each girl (including Ava) all that they need. I truly feel as if there isn't enough of me to go around. Of course I have tears flowing from frustration, but that stems from the same origin.

I don't feel guilty for leaving the house to meet my friends for a drink, treating myself to a pedicure or having date night with Hubs. I truly believe getting out of the house for yourself, is the best gift you can give your soul & your family. When you're out doing other things, it makes you feel full and feeling full keeps you happy... and when you're happy, it oozes out of you and everyone around you feels happy too. I want my family to be happy and if I'm not happy... how could they possibly be?

The girls have flat spots... I feel guilty that I'm not doing more to correct them. I know it takes time for it to change because it took awhile (mostly in utero) to get where it is, but I feel bad. I feel like some how I should be doing more. I feel guilty that Lola is so teeny tiny. I know I didn't give her LM, but I feel like maybe I should be on a more strict schedule of feeding her every 1.5hours around the clock. I feel guilty that Ava sits in front of Elmo and Mickey Mouse Clubhouse (which of course she loves) for far more hours than we spend reading books during the day or playing outside. I feel guilty that we eat out a lot because I'm just too exhausted to cook dinner, let alone have more than one free arm at a time. I have so much mommy guilt that it eats at me. By the time I do get to bed at night, I usually lay there and just shake my head at myself... thinking about all the things we "should have" done that day. More tummy time, listen to more music, dance more with Ava, put the girls in a cute outfit besides simple white onesies all the time, take more pics, etc...

There is usually a time every day where I question myself as a mother. I don't regret trying to get pregnant again, but I do regret that I don't have more help. I don't regret that we have twins, I regret that I didn't reach out to more people for support. I feel like the girls can't possibly benefit much from just having one person with them everyday and it kills me. I truly feel as if something is wrong with them, it's because of something I didn't do or didn't do right. I never felt like this with Ava and I know its because I wasn't overwhelmed. Sure, I was a first time mom and beyond exhausted, but not THIS exhausted & run down. I was still able to at least go through the motions when I was so tired, but she could never know that and it never effected her. I feel like this time around... it will effect them.

I know these last couple of posts probably seem depressing and that upsets me even more. Its completely opposite of my personality. Of course there are a lot of AMAZING times and they really outweigh the frustration & exhaustion I have. I just don't talk much about whats hurting inside to anyone. I don't like to bother people or bore them or tell them something where they might feel bad... not my style. Of course have some really great friends I share info with, but even then I try to censor it. Maybe its a character flaw I have... I really don't want people to worry or feel they need to help me just because I'm venting about something. Thats one reason why I still love writing in this blog... whether 1 person reads it, or 10,000... I couldn't care less, I'm just happy to get it off my chest. I share my feelings mostly with Marcellus & I can't thank him enough for all the encouragement he gives me, but sometimes I don't want encouragement... I just want someone to listen and not say anything back... Like my blog!

I guess what I'm trying to say... is this is really hard. I know it gets easier & I'm not the first mom to have twin newborns and a 2 year old, but for now I just hope I'm enough for these little girls.

"La rang go ma lacia" & Lola

Laryngomalacia (literally, "soft larynx") is the most common cause of stridor in infancy, in which the soft, immature cartilage of the upper larynx collapses inward during inhalation, causing airway obstruction. It can also be seen in older patients, especially those with neuromuscular conditions resulting in weakness of the muscles of the throat. However, the infantile form is much more common.

This is what Lola has. At her 1m appt, I brought up to her Pedi that I noticed she was "quivering" & "clicking" at home. I even recorded it on my phone so she could here. She wasn't doing it all the time then. She looked her over and said that it looks like it could be that her nasal passages are so narrow and with mucus build up it causes some obstruction and she would be ok... but to look for signs of distress, not breathing, less eating etc...

fast forward not even a week later and she started to get worse. Mila is a great eater and was downing close to 4oz bottles at this time. Even though Lola was littler she was still taking 3-3.5oz bottles with no problem. I was still giving them pumped milk as opposed to nursing because with Lola's slow weight gain I wanted to keep track of her intake. She was barely taking 2.5oz in a 30min time frame. I scheduled an appt with the pedi. She was still gaining weight from the previous week, but not as much as I liked. She was 7lbs 10oz at 1m and then 8lbs 2oz at 6weeks. I went alone with Lola. Ava & Mila stayed behind with my mom. This was my first outing without the whole crew and it felt lonely! I'm not going to lie... it felt weird not showing people my twins. I realize most people aren't as amazed by one tiny baby as they are two with a toddler big sis.

When I was telling my pedi my concerns... I started crying the moment I told her she wasn't eating enough and I knew something was wrong. The noises were getting worse and although she never "turned blue" I could tell she had moments of struggles. Its the more heart breaking thing... she was wearing herself out to eat, so she wouldn't take so much and since she was so worn out, she was almost too worn out for the next feed. Dr. C said its probably Laryngomalacia and that she needed to see one of the ENT's at Akron Children's Hospital. That was on a Friday and they got me in at 8:15am Monday morning. Our little family of 5 made the trip together. We got called back pretty quick. We spent more time with the nurse, & nurse practionioner (NP) than the doctor, but I know thats the norm. We talked about her issues and then we went back to a procedure room so they could do a scope.

I thought I'd had my share of tears watching your child getting poked and prodded when Mila was in the NICU for 24hours. I had to sit in a chair that you'd be in to get your teeth cleaned... I had to hold Lola and hold her hands tight against her chest. She didn't even try to resist me and that immediately broke my heart. I realize that your children have this immense sense of security and trust for their parents from day one. They know you're there to love and care for them no matter what... I couldn't even look down at her. The nurse held her head against my chest, she winced to the right in protest and I could feel the tears well up inside. The NP had the scope which looked like a piece of spaghetti wrapped in black tubing with a light on the end. I never watched them insert it, but with the way Lola screamed at the top of her lungs, I knew when it happened. I couldn't even look at Marcellus who was facing me, holding Ava. I just had my head leaned back against the head rest watching the monitor of hte scope. It seemed like it took forever. I could feel myself fighting back the tears... why? Why fight them back? Its pretty obvious you're trying not to cry with your lips folded back into your mouth as tight as can be and your body is heaving up and down. They got what the needed and took it out.. she only cried a few seconds after and I finally let my tears fall down. She looked back at me and I hope she could feel the pain in my eyes that it wasn't something I wanted her to go though. Although she probably was thinking... what the hell was that mom, just give me some damn milk, before she shut her eyes and went to sleep.

We watched the video from the scope in slomotion. It was pretty amazing to see how the voice box works. The movements inside were in perfect harmony with the noises coming out. Dr. M diagnosed her with mild LM (I"m not writing that word out anymore). In severe cases the extra flap needs to be trimmed for children with major obstruction. Apparently this is very common, although that didn't make the process any easier. He said that we needed to go back to feeding her less ounces more frequently... that instantly qued up the newborn phase, but I was ok with it. He said there is no need for surgery at this time and we go back Dec 6th for a follow up. The goal is that she out grows it, which is another reason why its so important for her to gain more weight. That was 2 weeks ago and she still makes the noises, so if she's going to outgrow it, it clearly will take awhile. Marcellus & I have come to be used to it... we forget that other people aren't aware or know that its "ok", so there is ALWAYS a mini freak when someone else is holding and/or feeding her. Trying to explain to someone that its "ok she's making those noises, she is breathing, just not 100%, but she is and she is ok"... they look at you like you're crazy and that CPS will be on line 2. She can't lie flat to sleep right now, which is fine by me. They both still sleep in their rnp next to me in our room. Lola is SO LOUD at night so during moments when she isn't noisy it sets off a trigger in Marc & my head that something is wrong... but there isn't! I have noticed there are moments it doesn't happen, but it still scares the shit out of us when she's quiet.

So all we can do is pray that at her 6week check up with the ENT in Dec that its gotten tons better and she won't need surgery. I can't stress and cry about things I can't control, I can only love her, feed her and give her everything else she needs and wants.

I don't even know what day it is...

half the time...

Life has been amazing, but beyond hectic. Actually as I write this I have my feet propped up on the ottoman, Ava is on my shins bouncing up and down yelling "horsey horsey horsey". The girls are in their rock n plays in front of dad, he's folding laundry and we're watching Monday Night Football.

We are finally in our own place! Staying at my mom's was a major blessing and I can't thank them enough for all they did for us this summer and the few weeks of the twins brand new life. Its just so nice to be somewhere with your own little family surrounded by your own little things you've collected over the years. We're just a renting an adorable little house until we decide where we want to end up and whether we build or buy. And when I say adorable, I mean tiny lol. I love our landlord MG, she is really nice. They put brand new carpet through out, finished the basement, painted, added new touches, raised the basement ceiling, etc. I'm not a huge fan of the kitchen floor or countertops, but hey, its only temporary. Although we do have the option to buy after our lease is up.

I'm in full time stay at home Mommy mode. I wish I could say it is going so fabulously and everything is amazing all day every day, but reality is that its a struggle. Every day I seem to have a moment where I question myself... myself as a mother and a wife. I feel like there just isn't enough of me to go around for everyone. On top of that trying to figure out how to fit everything into this new house. I know... woe is me, the woman that had a huge fabulous house in Austin, trying to fit it all in a house about 1/2 the size. Plus we didn't sell that much before we came so we packed it all up and its been in storage for 6 months. Even though we organized it well, there is no easy way to unpack stuff you haven't seen in half a year. It can be overwhelming.

The house is coming along nicely. I still can't remember where I put half the stuff we have. There are only so many places so it shouldn't be difficult, but every day I generally stand in the kitchen like a deer in headlights looking for something simple like a soup bowl. My newest challenge was finding my prepregnancy jeans. I've been rocking the maternity jeans up until this past Friday. I LOVED them. They are beyond comfortable, but now that my belly is back to normal (almost) the panel wouldn't stay up. Friday we were at Hubs office, showing his co workers the babies. I was pushing the double stroller and he was carrying Ava. EVERY TIME I walked I could feel my pants sliding down. At one point I thought they were hanging down past my butt. I kept walking sideways with my butt to the wall so I could yank them up. His office was huge and I'm sure some women noticed (you know how you women are). I was pretty embarassed. I kept feeling like they were below my butt so I shoved my hand down the back only to realize that it was my underwear that were falling off my ass. Since my pants were sliding, so were my undies. At this point I'm walking sideways with my butt to the wall and one hand down my pants pulling my underwear up which basically gave me a painful front wedgie. I just chalked it up as a loss and kept my hand in my back pocket like I was cool. Who walks, pushing a double stroller with one hand and the other in their back pocket? As if pushing the double stroller is easy and only weighs a pound. By the time we were leaving I just couldn't do it anymore so I booked it for the lobby area. The faster I walked the more they slouched. I almost ran up hubs heels trying to get past him. Everyone would have seen me and human instinct is to look at people's butts... especially a guys wife you work with, heck I do it to everyone. As soon as we get out into the open lobby surrounded by no one I looked at my butts reflection... my pants had fallen down enough to look like I had a huge piece of shit stuck in my underwear weighing my pants down... kind of like a kid who goes in the pool with  regular diaper on. Awesome. I feel like I need a do over on the office visit.

Hubs walked us out, we kissed and the girls and I went on our way. Of course they slept soundly the whole time at lunch with Hubs and then at his office. Its almost as if they can sense the comforts of our new house and decide... I'm hungry as heck and I'm going to go berzerk until mommy does something about it. Our garage still has some boxes in it so I had to park in the drive way. Insert dilemma #1... how do you get a sleeping toddler out of the middle seat and carry in two newborn carseats and a diaper bag in one trip? You don't... unless you are Ursula from the little mermaid. I left the diaper bag and got all the girls inside- including a half asleep Beebs. Plus it was pretty damn could out and my pants were half way down my butt again. This time I just plopped the girls in their rock n plays, changed Ava's diaper, left her pants off and laid her down for her nap. I ran to the screeching owls that were coversating in the living room. I had their bottles ready. I sat on the floor inbetween them and fed them... gangbuster style. My right arm was the first to start quivering... odd considering that is my dominant limb. Lola has to burp a lot so I would pull the bottles out set them next to the girls, swoop Lola on my right shoulder, lean to the left and burp her over the right shoulder with my right hand while I continued to feel Mila with my left. I just kept praying... "please don't decide to get all over achiever on me and try to roll off my shoulder, PLEASE". I did this about 5 times during the course of the feeding. I don't need to burp Mila until the end so its almost like its a blessing in disguise. Afterwards they just laid there... staring at me in amazement. When they look so satisified with the milk I try to remember what I ate that might be in there. So far, I'll probably never be able to keep track. I started to pick up the house... car seats, blankets, coats, misc rainsins on the floor and a random panty liner stuck to the carpet.

The girls decided they needed more attention. Mila is a little more high maintenanced, she LOVES to be held 24/7. Lola can take it or leave it. I was burping Lola a few more times (the reason why in my next post) and Mila wasn't happy. So I eventually I had to just hold them both. I do this a lot, but its really tiresome. Having 20+lbs of wet noodles supported by weak wrists and eventually I'll have a disastrous story to write about(I'm kidding- just pray I don't!). There is something magical about holding two babies at once. You can't do anything but just lay there and relax, which is exactly what I needed. I finally snuggled onto the couch with them... Mila's back against my belly and Lolas back against Mila's belly. Surprisingly we all fit on the couch comfortably and fell asleep for 45mins that way.

Its moments like those that nigate the times of tears. I think I cry almost once a day... its mainly when they both decide they need something at the same time and Ava is awake. That's when I tell myself I'm a horrible mom. I can tell Mila will be the child that will decide to hold her breath if you tell her no until she almost passes out. When I'm feeding Lola its like she gets a little seperation anxiety, especially if she can see us. Usually I have to move her so she can't, I'm pretty certain she stares at us while she cries thinking we're leaving her out... either that, or she's just that attached to her sister already.

Getting back to Normality..

***Disclaimer.... this was started on Weds Oct 23rd and finished today Mon Nov 11th

Normality probably isn't a word, or maybe it is because it didn't get flagged for spelling. Meh

The girls will be 6w old tomorrow! Wow!!! I'm not surprised that time is flying. Life itself seems to fly by when you become a "responsible" (cough cough) adult. As adolescents we all want to be "double digits", and then teens, and then 18, and then 21 and then suddenly, we wish we were still 13. I actually love being an adult and I do enjoy how fast time flies. I love looking back over the years and just think wow its been quite a ride. Since time does go fast it makes going through tough times easier. I'm able to sit back and say... ok, this sucks, but before I know it, it will be a year and I'll look back and laugh, or have learned.

Today I had my 6 week check up. I have been looking forward to today since I was put on pelvic rest 6months ago. I talked to the ladies at the reception area for awhile. We talked and laughed for probably 10mins or more. I'm going to miss not chatting with them on the regular. Carol took me back and we checked my weight. I am down to 175lbs which if I'm not mistaken is 3lbs UNDER my pre pregnancy weight!!! I'm very happy :) I'm still rocking maternity jeans because I think they are comfortable and truthfully 95% of my clothes are still tucked away in an oversized garage called a storage unit, so I really have no choice.

Carol and I talked about birth control options. She wrote me a new rx for the Mini Pill. Since I'm still breastfeeding this is a good option. Although since its progesterone only its not as "strong" as other pills so I HAVE to remember to take it at the same time everyday. This normally wouldn't be a problem, but lately I have trouble remembering what day of the week it is, let alone a specific time! I thought about getting the IUD, but I think I'll hold off until my 6month appt in March. Although, maybe I won't... I'm terrified to get pregnant again right now!!

Everything else went well with the appt. I had a piece of thread hanging from my incision. I've touched it a couple times to see if it would fall off without luck. It just seemed to get longer. So Dr. G was talking to me and next thing I know the piece was in his hand. He said it came right out. The incision area is still numb so I hope to god it wasn't still attached to something important!!! I was cleared to resume back to all "normal" activities... work (yuck, but actually considering going back) and "other" activities. WOOHOO!!!!!!! Best news ever!!! I was half tempted to tell Hubs NOT to go back to work once I got home... but I'll just have to contain myself a little longer.

Lola is still making her little clicking/breathing noises. She's not struggling for breath but I'm starting to think that there is something else up besides narrow nasal passages and mucus build up. I've been using saline a few times a day and I really don't get much junk out. I have an appt on Friday with her Doctor. Hopefully she can dig in a little deeper. I'm sure its nothing serious, but its definitely different.

On another REALLY good note... we found a place! We've decided its best that we just rent something right now so we found a cute little house that's on the way to Hubs' work! Its a 3bedroom, nothing special, but absolutely PERFECT for us. We move in this weekend and I cannot wait. Things are really starting to fall into place after 6months of uncertain chaos. Ava's 2nd Birthday is next weekend and we actually have a full weekend of fun stuff going on with friends and family for other occasions. I guess I need to get on the look out for some babysitters!

Speaking of sitters... how do I find babysitters for twin newborns and a toddler? I know lots of people have 3 kids, but 3 kids consisting of twins, this young? My mom & Aunt Mary do a lot of babysitting for us when we really need it and I hate always having to ask them. I'm just not sure how you find someone (or TWO someones) that would be willing to watch them? I think its relatively easy, but I worry about finding someone being able watch the babies and not get frustrated. It can be trying when you're feeding one baby and the other just starts crying even when you know they don't "need" anything except to be loved on and your hands are full, literally. I'm sure anyone can handle it for a few hours, but its something that worries me. Perhaps I should really look into two sitters even if it costs more. That way each person gets a baby or if one baby is crazy and the other is calm they can both help? These are the things I think about nonstop.

Mommy guilt has been setting in a lot more lately. The girls are staying awake in longer stretches now, sometimes even up to an hour! So, by the time I change a diaper, feed, love on, let them stay awake a little and then get back to sleep... its like an hour per baby, on top of still giving Ava everything she needs and wants. A few days I cry about it. I know Ava won't remember this, just like she won't remember her big ol mom couch ridden all summer, but I can't help but feel like she and the babies deserve more than I can give. I also feel like the babies spend too much time in their rock n plays. Now that they are alert longer, I try to change up their positions and sit on the floor with them. I can usually match that up with playing with Ava on the ground, but before you know it she wants to run and jump... and well... even though I've got cat like reflexes I'm not sure I trust her depth perception. We're considering (actually more like decided) to get Beebs back in daycare. They can offer her more interaction, play and stimulation than I can give right now. Even though shows are educational now, its not a good babysitter or play mate. In fact, we haven't been outside in forever. Or even somewhere indoors where she can get all crazy.

** sorry for the abrupt ending, but I'll just post this and start a new update in the next post.

Its been awhile...

I'm do for a major update, but until then, this is how I'll sum up my Friday at 4am...

I've got this under control... NOT!

At least that's what I thought.

Tuesday was the girls 1m check up. I scheduled it for 10am. Perfect time so that Ava could be awake, fed and ready to go and early enough that she could nap after. Ava isn't on any strict schedules for her naps, but I generally try to lay her down around 12/12:30p.

Lola woke me up Tuesday around 5:30a after a good 4 hour stretch of sleep. I fed her and cleaned her up. Just as I was finishing, Hubs woke up and came in to help. He got Mila situated while I showered. I think I almost fell asleep standing up. It was a really chilly morning so standing in the hot steamy shower was like a sleep aide. When I finished I immediately woke up because of the cool air in the bathroom. Apparently I didn't shut the door all the way so I was instantly at attention!
I told Hubs not to get the girls dressed. I would just do it after their next feeding to make sure they didn't spit up on their clothes. I was feeling ambitious getting out of the house at 9:30a for the appt at 10a. He left for work at 8am. I got Beebs up since she was still sleeping. She LOVES going to Doctor's Appointments, so once I told her that was our plan for the day she was gung ho to get ready. She was dressed and cleaned up in a few minutes. We went downstairs and it was time to feed & dress the girls. I started with Lola again. Ava said she was ready to eat and since my stepdad was still home he made her breakfast. After Lola ate I started on Mila. I finished about 9am. I REALLY needed to pump, but I just didn't think I could fit in a 10min session and leave the house by 9:30a, so I had to skip it. Beebs helped me get everything ready and I snuck some grapes in her bag for a treat at the Doc office in case she got a little cray.

The girls were ridiculous easy. I got them loaded and we were out the door at 9:31a. I didn't count it as 100% victory bc I didn't pump before we left, but I'll take it! We got to the appt early and it went pretty smooth. I've mastered declothing the girls relatively fast. Ava was really well behaved and I didn't have to say much to her about not doing something. We got into the tiny office room that was mostly occupied by my long double stroller... which btw, I will take with me EVERYWHERE. I just wish it had more space underneath for the diaper bag instead of shoving it in a space it doesn't really fit. Dr. C came in and surprisingly the appt went quickly despite having two babies. Her & I worked as a team. Hubs was planning on coming, but I told him I wanted to fly solo on this just to see if I can handle it and "learn" for future trips I need to make without him. We talked about the babies and any concerns I had. All that bothered me was that Lola makes this "clicking" type of quiver noise a lot... whether she's awake, sleeping or eating. I recorded it on my phone bc of course she wasn't doing it while we were there. Dr. C said it sound more nasally, like a flap was being pushed around by mucous. I just have to give her some saline to open her passages and see if that helps. We also noticed Lola has a pretty major flat spot towards her left side. Dr. C WAS concerned about it. She said it was very severe and we needed to start little exercises & things to get her off that side. She said if it continues, it could cause permanent cosmetic issues to that side of her head/face. WOW. I feel like I'm at blame for that. I've been doing those exercises a little already bc I recognized the signs from Ava. I guess I'm not doing enough :( She didn't make it seem like a dire situation, but her talk and tone about Lola's flat spot compared to Mila's were night & day. Lola also has a hernia in her belly button. I guess all babies have a "hole" there, but by 1m they are usually healed up. Lola's is still present, but the doc said it was small and probably closing. If by their 2m appt its still open, she would need surgery to close it. WTH... After rereading this paragraph it seems like Lola's got a lot going on! Good thing is, everything can be fixed, quickly!

My only concern about Mila is that she's not a great burper. I sometimes try for 5mins, 2 positions repeatedly and no luck and when I give up and put her down she spits up like old faithful. She showed me a new position to try across my thighs and said she probably just isn't a burper and its common, but we'll have to keep her upright longer post feeds to help reduce the spit up.

So, despite some things to work on.. the girls both look great and 100% healthy! They got their 2nd dose of the Hepatitis Vaccine and although they both lost it for a few seconds, they recovered well. Here are their stats:

Lola- had a slow gain, but she is really chunking up!!

• Birth: 5lbs 5oz, 19in
• 5days: 5lbs even, 18in
• 13days: 5lbs 3oz,
• 1month: 7lbs 10oz, 20 1/2in

Mila

• Birth: 6lbs 2oz, 19 1/2in
• 5days: 5lbs 10oz, 19 1/4in
• 13days: 6lbs 6oz
• 1month: 8lbs 13oz, 21 1/4in

There is still just a pound difference! Although their stats for a typical "1 month" old, might be a little low, its pretty impressive for being 4 weeks early. They would only be compared to the preemies if they would have been born 5 weeks early or more.

So after the appointment wrapped up, I was feeling like super mom. The girls still had about an hour before they needed to eat and were fast asleep once I got them back in their car seats. Since we were in the area we stopped by my Mom's work. She was happy about the surprise and all her co-workers loved seeing Beebs & the Tweebs. It was an exhausting 20mins. Once we got in the car I figured I had about 30mins to get home before they needed to feed. A part of me thought about feeding one or both in the parking lot before pulling out, but I knew Ava was getting hungry and I doubt she would be thrilled about doing nothing for 30mins.

We drove out just in time for rush hour lunch traffic. I decided to stop at Burger King since it was a little away from the hustle & bustle and on the way back to my mom's house. Ava immediately knew we were getting food and started asking for fries. I gave her a couple and called my Aunt Mary. Since today is Hubs & my anniversary I wanted to see if she could watch the girls. So while driving, I was talking to Mary (using hands free of course) confirming plans and Ava is the background yelling "MOM- more fries please" continuously until I bend my arm backward to give her more. Then the squeaks start from the girls. No big deal I thought, we're almost home. After talking to Mary I wanted to call Hubs quick since I knew I'd be in a rush once we got home. I gave him the cliff notes version of the appointment and hurried him off the phone bc the girls started fussing.

The minute we pulled up to my mom's they both stopped... AWESOME!

Well that didn't last long. I take one baby out of the car, then unstrap Ava and walk around, put one baby in the passenger seat while Ava disappears into the garage to play while I get everything together. I pull the other baby out, grab the diaper bag and then get the other baby. I take them in the house and put their car seats up on the island. This may or may not be considered a good idea? My mom has a harmless black lab, but I needed to run out and get the food so I didn't want to leave them on the floor. I was probably gone 5.3seconds. When I open the door... the twins are going berserk. I kick my flats off and get Ava in her highchair and her food together as fast as I can. Then I decide I should probably feed Mila first since she's the fast eater. I keep Lola in her car seat and set it on the couch. Luckily the bottles were ready. Lola was not having it. I start rocking her car seat with my knee- no bueno. The pacifier wasn't working either. She was seriously losing it. I had her bottle handy also, so I laid Mila on my legs, facing me with her head on the boppy. I'm feeding her with my right hand and start feeding Lola with my left. Instant happiness.

My arms are starting to get a little tired, but I push through. Lola starts playing with her bottle so I take it out and set it on the couch and clean her up. This makes me unknowingly move bottle out of Mila's reach. So she starts going nuts. I reinsert for her and then Lola starts. She's pushing the bottle out with her tongue. No way she wants to burp already?!!? So, I stop feeding Mila- try to get a burp from her. Nope. So I just lay her down so I can get Lola out of the car seat. Mila is now losing her mind. I burp Lola & remember I have a 3rd child and turn around to check on Ava. She's lost in Elmo world eating her lunch, thank goodness. I put Lola back in the car seat and try feeding them both again. Its like they realize my attention is split between the two and they are not happy. Lola is arching her back and since she's not strapped in she has slouched all the way down in the seat. No way that can be comfortable let alone while trying to eat. So again I stop. I put Mila in her rock and play and decide to hold Lola. Mila realizes she's not being held so she starts losing it again. I switch them... Lola in the RnP and Mila on the ground supported by the boppy. Neither one of them are really latching on to the bottle. What gives? I'm starting to get REALLY HOT.

I rock Lola in the RNP while I feed Mila. I realize she probably needs to burp so as I pull her up from the boppy she burps on her own... YAY, but NOT... out with it comes warm milk over my shirt. I realize I can't do this alone. I text hubs "I need you to come home early", he texts back if everything is ok. Somehow I manage to text back, I need help. He responds he has one meeting to wrap up and then he'll be home. I sink a little inside. That means it could be an hour or longer. So I take a deep breath and realize I HAVE to do this on my own and that I can do it... I just need to figure out how.

By now, Beebs is yelling "all done" and she wants out of the high chair. I'm trying to find a moment between a baby scream and a generic feeding to get her down. She's picking her nose and getting louder. So I stop the feed and get up. Her face is covered with ketchup. I wet a paper towel and I look back at her and she is being all weird. Looking side to side but not moving her head. I notice the right side of her nose looks swollen. I look inside and see what appears to be a larger booger? That's weird, why would it make her nose swollen. I get out the nose bulb and start suctioning it out and slowly it's making it way down. Each suction makes Ava giggle extremely creepy. Then I realize... holy crap this is big. I finally get it to the surface and I realize it is no longer a booger, instead its a soggy burger king French fry with specks of ketchup and/or blood mixed in. I scold Ava about putting things, even her finger, inside her nose. She's smart, but does she even know what I'm saying?! I snap out of my trance on Ava to realize the babies are both still crying.

I look at the clock... it feels like its only been 10mins since we got home. I snap a pic of the French fry and send it to hubs so he can see how crazy my day really is. I go back to the babies and finish their feeds. They are still protesting something, possibly me, and crying non stop. I'm trying to console them together, not working, separately, not working either. So I tuck them in their PNP and I realize I smell poop. I unwrap Lola & she is the owner of the stench. Awesome, onesie blow out. I'm seriously about 30seconds from tears. Ava luckily is playing, but both babies are not happy. I strip her off and wipe her down, balling the onesie up and dropping it on the ground. I get her resituated and back in the PNP. I look at the clock again, ok, its time for Ava's nap. I take her up, give her extra hugs and kisses and for a moment I dread going back down to the screaming, but I have to. I take a deep breath and shut Ava's door behind me.

As soon as I get downstairs I notice something odd... silence. What in the what!? I don't believe it. Both girls are passed out. They look as though they have been sleeping for hours. I just stand over them in disbelief. How??? I quickly tell myself to stop thinking and be happy. I round up the dirty onesie, the wet burp rags and some other items and start a load of laundry. I keep looking at them... perhaps I imagined the whole thing? How did they just stop? They are there, breathing softly, eyes closed, so peaceful. I wash the dishes, but the car seats away, clean up Ava's highchair, discard the burger king bag and empty contents, put Ava & my shoes away and clean up the few toys Ava had out. I sit at the kitchen table... still in awe that this rough moment just ceases on its own. I'm sitting at the table when Hubs walks in... I immediately think I should have left the mess so he would see how crazy it was and then I feel guilty for not calling him back and cancelling the S.O.S. But I realize I feel emotionally and physically drained. He hugged me hard and asked what happened. I gave him the cliff notes version and told him what time Ava went down for a nap, that I needed to pump and needed a nap. He said Ok and smiled :) I wanted to smile back, but I felt so defeated. I told him Thanks and headed upstairs for a much needed 3 hour nap

I miss my Husband! *pic*

The girls were a month old on Saturday!!!

It kinda just hit me that Hubs and I have been sleeping in separate rooms for 3 weeks now. I moved to the guest room on the first Sunday before he went back to work. Even on the weekends we sleep alone because he keeps the girls with him so I can get uninterrupted sleep. We always hug, kiss and snuggle before heading off to our own quarters, but I'm starting to feel weird about it. I definitely don't want to shack back up just yet, but at the same time I miss laying next to him every night. Its actually probably been more than 3 weeks bc I just couldn't get comfortable the last few weeks of my pregnancy so I always ended up in the other room bc it was a lot cooler in there. I'm lucky he doesn't work super long hours, but he leaves fairly early and gets home after 5pm. By the time we do the family of 5 thing, get Ava to bed and have down time before the next feeding, it feels like our "alone time" is more like an "alone minute" which usually entails me hurrying through a 10min pump session, or him washing bottles before we sit down to watch football, walking dead or sleepy hollow! Maybe I'm just feeling a little sentimental because Weds Oct 16th is our 3 year Wedding Anniversary? I can't believe its been 3 years already married and 8 years together total! It only took me 2 years of stalking for him to realize he needed to be with me also lol

We spent our 1 Year Anniversary at the Double Tree where we had our reception. My friend Deanna hooked us up with a Penthouse. I was VERY pregnant at the time so they had Champagne for Hubs, Sparkling Wine for me, and a dessert plate all set up for us. We went out for a really nice dinner and came back to the Penthouse and enjoyed ourselves watching the Ohio State game and snuggling up. It was by far the perfect night for us! I don't even think we got to get it on... being big and pregnant wasn't going to stop me from getting my groove on, but the fact that I was stuffed from a delicious dinner & swollen probably sent me straight to food coma for the night

Our 2nd Year Anniversary I got to plan. We decided we would switch the plans every year... one year I plan, the next year he plans! So I planned a little weekend getaway to Horseshoe Bay Resort outside of Austin. Its a beautiful golf resort. I'm not much of a golfer (yet) but I setup a round of 18holes for us on the first day and then a spa day the next morning. We had such a great time golfing, its so beautiful out there. I even got some really great pics of Marc teeing off with two deer literally 5ft behind him. Unfortunately Hubs was on the verge of getting sick so despite me putting out an SOS to FB Land asking for help to get him better for our trip... he didn't make it 15mins into dinner. We had to box up his food, which ironically was the most amazing steak I had ever eaten and he couldn't even taste it. The poor guy had chills & a fever. We brought him some meds but that didn't work. So back to the hotel room we went... He passed out under the covers and I was left up & alone, drinking one of the two bottles of Champagne by myself! Thankfully his fever broke by morning and he was feeling 100x better so we were able to cash in on the Spa Day! AND... we didn't get it on this anniversary either... I had to have another d+c to try and remove the final pieces of Placenta left behind (placenta accrete with Ava's pregnancy) which, yes was almost a YEAR after her birth. So I had the procedure a few days before and was on Pelvic Rest.

So here we are... Weds is our 3rd Year Anniversary and Hubs turn to plan. I'm not going to lie. With everything we've gone through the past 6months he might of forgotten that he has to setup the show. I have faith in him, but its been a hectic month with the twins birth, his new position (he got a promotion and started the end of Sept!) & potentially moving into a new house at the end of this month, it might have gotten put behind the eight ball. I don't want or need elaborate Anniversary gifts, I just need a night alone with my husband, celebrating our love & life! So I might as well wrap up this "anniversary" paragraph with sex also... It looks like Wedding Anniversary #3 will also be a no Sexiversary as well... I won't be 6 weeks post partum until NEXT Thursday, but my appt is that Weds. So we can't... and so we wait...

I might forgo uninterrupted sleep one night this weekend in order to snuggle up next to him in bed. Ummmm... well... maybe... we'll see how I feel come Friday :) 

On our wedding day, 3years ago! 

I should probably be sleeping...

So here I am... 11:30pm Friday night, in the guest room, rubbing my legs together. I switched out my razor blade today on my Schick Quatro and my legs are ridiculously silkly, soft and feel "cool". So I'm over here being all weird rubbing my shins against one another. wth is wrong with me?

Anyways, I am alone! I should be happy, but the guilt is setting in. Its Friday so that means tonight and tomorrow night is Hubs Baby Duty Time. I'm sure once I power down the laptop and turn off the table lamp I'll pass out till morning like last time, but I can't help but feel I should be in there with him. They are relatively easy at night.. its just a long process. I know I shouldn't feel bad and should just embrace the fact that I have a very hands on Hubs who will do what he can (even if I'm too tired to realize it) to make my life a little easier.

Even though we have Baby #2 & #3 Syndrome going on over here I still get the nervous thoughts about what if something happens to them while they sleep?! They still sleep in their rock n plays so they are elevated, snug and cozy, but I feel like a mother's intuition never sleeps. I wake up to the tiniest squeals and non normal noises that the average person probably wouldn't hear. Not to mention I'm deaf in my left ear, yet I still manage to hear the quietest of the quiet. Of course Hubs is pretty on point, but his reaction time is usually a few seconds behind my stealthness. It brings me to a memory I have of Ava... I can't remember how old she was, but she was in her own room so she was at least 12 weeks old. Her room was on the 2nd floor and ours was on the 1st floor of a 2,800 square foot home. It literally took 61 walking steps to get to her room.

Hubs & I were asleep when I heard the alarm... it took me a half second to realize it wasn't the secuirty alarm for the home, but actually her Angel Care Monitor. I took off for her room in a dead sprint. Leaping up the steps, probably skipping 3 at a time. I get into her room and she was fine. We'll never know if she stopped breathing or if she was just sleeping so deep/soundly that the monitor couldn't pick up her movements. The adrenaline had my blood pumping, so I hung out in her room for a few to make sure she was ok. Although I hated that the alarm went off, I was glad it was doing its job. Hubs was in the room shortly after me. I told him she was fine and he went back downstairs. The next morning he said when he heard the alarm he sat up and said "don't worry- I'll go check on Ava" and when he looked towards my direction in the bed I was gone and he could hear horses running up the steps... I let him know, if that alarm EVER goes off again. Don't say a word, just get your ass to that room as soon as possible. Luckily we only had one more "false alarm" after that.

So here I am... my eyes are getting so heavy that this may be my shortest post yet. I know I'm tired and I need to get my ass on the pillow and shut it down. Yet I feel like I should do something. Like take out all of Ava's 18-24m clothes from her drawers and put them in the storage bins and just make sure she has 2T+ in there. This is what I think of at 11:40p at night. I'm thinking of things that need to be organized or maybe I should check on Ava again or put my ear up to the bedroom door where Hubs and Tweebs are sleeping. Ok, maybe not. They will be fine!

Btw... I finally got my milk duct unclogged. That was so painful. Its like a little hard knot in your boob. I massaged it all day even though it brough tears to my eyes. I'm not sure how it really unclogs but I used hot compresses twice and massaged extra forceful when I pumped. I haven't nused that often, but today I had Lola latch onto that side. Since she's pretty aggresive I thought it would help. Shortly after it was significantly smaller and then after my next pump sesh it was completely gone! Amen!!!!!

at 4weeks old... the girls have already had two over night stays at different places and a trip to babies r us. I've loaded them in and out myself with Ava in tow and its not easy, but I think I got the hang of it. My brother and his adorable family of 5 will be in town tomorrow and we're all heading to the Pumpking Patch on Sunday, I can't wait! I do have some good twin stories, just not enough energy to facilitate them into print. Owell... maybe later this weekend, or tomorrow night.

Its 11:45pm, I can't stay up a minute longer... goodnight!

xo

Don't worry... I am alive! :)

The girls turned 4 weeks old yesterday!! They will be 1month on Saturday (tomorrow), wow!

Wednesday, October 9th was my "due date". It's weird to think that if I was just having one baby, I could still be very pregnant! It has been quite the month! We've had some really great times and some really trying times. The great times are great and the trying times are just moments where we need to figure out how to stay awake instead of being walking zombies.

Last week I had my first "realistic" week of being a stay at home to a 23m old toddler and newborn twins, o yeah and an "owner" of a dog (my Mom's lab). At times I try to be an overachiever, by keeping the house picked up, dishes clean and clothes washed. I know everyone tells you to sleep when the babies sleep & let the dishes go, but these girls are so hard to sleep with when they are grunting and squealing non stop. They make the craziest noises so I'm able to doze off during Ava's nap and when the girls are napping, for maybe 30mins.

Here is what my day on Thursday looked like... we'll start at 12am since that is after all when a new day starts! The girls have been sleeping longer stretches at night now, but it wasn't this long a couple weeks ago. I'm still sleeping in the guest bedroom during the week and I take care of the girls alone 100%. Hubs takes them in our room Fri & Sat nights and I still sleep in the other room for uninterrupted sleep.

12a-3am: We're all asleep
3a-4:30am: Feed (formula bottles), change diapers, swaddle, snuggle (5mins each), put back in bed. Lola woke first, so I started with her. Mila woke while feeding Lola so I had to rock her with my foot to keep her from getting all crazy.
4:45am: Cleaned up the bottles, threw away diapers, went potty, checked on Ava and back to bed I go.
7am: Lola woke, so I started the process with her
7:30am: Marc comes in the room after showering/ironing his work clothes. He feeds Mila while I shower
8am: Hubs leaves for work & Ava wakes up (early-UGH!)
8a-8:30am: I pump, dress Ava (diaper/ face wash/ teeth brushed/ hair done)
8:30a-9a: Get Ava a cup of Milk, bring babies downstairs, organize what I'll need for the day, get my Crockpot Meal together for dinner and start it
9a-10:30am: Ava & I eat breakfast, watch Elmo or Mickey together & play
10:30-11:30am- Feed the babies, diaper, snuggle, no swaddle, hold a little, get Ava a snack
11:30a-12pm: I finished my Thank You notes
12p-1p: Ava & I eat lunch, play, wash bottles, realize I have a clogged milk duct (UGH!!! OUCH!!!!!!!!!!)
1-3:30pm: Ava goes down for a nap. I feed the girls again. Hold them, interact with them more, update my blog, change Lola's outfit because she spit up all over the place
3pm-3:30p: I pump and try to massage out the clogged duct, it feels smaller already, but more painful. The girls are still awake so I try to rock them to sleep knowing Ava will be up soon. I wash bottles & pump parts, straighten up the house, check on dinner
3:30-4pm: Ava wakes up, get her a snack, love on her and then ALL THREE of us go for a walk! I wear Lola in my Moby wrap because Ava wants to sit in the stroller. Probably walked half a mile. Holy Shit that hurt! My hips were on fiiiiiiiire
4- 5pm: I get dinner ready. I made crock pot chicken tacos. I get the sides together. My mom comes home from work, we talk and she takes Ava outside
5pm: Jenny comes over for a visit!!!
5:30p: Jenny & I feed the girls. Hubs is home now, he gets Ava dinner and everyone eats while Jenny & I sit in the living room talking, feeding the girls
6:30pm: Jenny leaves, I eat dinner
7-7:30p: I go upstairs to pump, Ava comes with me and messes with all of Brooke's stuff as usual lol
7:30pm: We feed the girls, play with Ava
8-9pm: Ava gets her jammies on, get her a snack & she goes to bed
9-11p: Hubs & I watch football, play with the girls. He gets thrown up on! I organize all the bottles, diapers etc that I will need for the night.
11-11:30p: We feed the girls & get them ready for bed
11:30p-12a: I pump one last time, wash the parts, grab some late night feeding snacks for myself. Give the hubs some goodnight kisses
12am- GOODNIGHT!

I'm sure I missed some things, but you get the point!


Even though the girls take 3-4hour stretches of sleep at night, that's not what I'm getting. I have to organize things, wind down and then go to sleep. So I probably get 2.5-3hours of sleep at night in one stretch. Which is a lot more than a week ago, but still not enough to really be rested. It's rare I get a nap when Hubs gets home. I could easily go up, but by the time I pump and do other things like prepare dinner or just talk to Hubs a bit its like 7pm and I figure pointless.

I'm so thankful for everything that Hubs does to try and help. A lot of times I don't tell him enough what I need and sometimes I feel like he should read my mind. When I'm in that zone I tend to snap at him more because I'm so exhausted and I feel like he should "just know". Poor guy just goes through it with no problems. I know he gets irritated with me for the way I act, but he rarely let it shows. I feel so stressed from the lack of sleep. I have phone calls to make to the insurance companies because they need confirmation of info before handling claims, on top of that and finalizing a place to move, looking into daycares in case I go back to work or at least look into part time options for Ava. That is my biggest priority. Even though we get to spend a lot of time together because the girls still sleep most of the day, that will change in the upcoming weeks/months. She needs more interaction with kids her age. I feel at times I'm chained to the couch feeding, nursing, pumping, cleaning bottles, and checking my Baby Connect App to see when the next round starts.

If we only had one baby, I would probably get Mom of the year lol. Then again, I think you always adjust to the situation you're in. So even if we did just have one baby, I'd still probably be in the same frame of mind with everything! Having two babies and a toddler is proving to be difficult, but we aren't the first nor the last people to be dealt the baby lottery hand, but I know we will do our best!!!

Baby Weights & Mama Weights

17days old!

I can't believe they are almost 3w old and we have yet to hit my official due date of October 9th. Obviously with twins we knew we wouldn't make it that close, but its still crazy to know I could still be very pregnant.

This past week was a busy one with babies, birthdays and appointments. On Weds 9/25 the babies had a follow up weigh in appt. For being 4w early, they both were born with some pretty impressive weights. Lola was 5lbs 5oz & Mila was 6lbs 2oz. Kinda crazy that if I would had made it another week, or two, or three, they could have easily gained a pound a week. Those are some big babies.

When we left the Hospital Lola was 5lbs 2oz (-3oz) & Mila was 5lbs 13oz (-5oz). Its normal for babies to lose weight right after birth. Docs like to see positive weight gain after 5days and then again 2w post partum. At our 5day check up, Lola was 5lbs & Mila was 5lbs 10oz. Our pedi is great... she was ok with the weight loss, but more worried about Lola slipping under 5lbs. Once a baby gets under that its hard to get back up. I supplemented Similac Neosure while waiting for my milk to come. I'm an advocate that "breast is best", but I'm also realistic if your baby isn't getting enough to eat or enough calories to put on weight, you have to do what's necessary... so I've been 100% fine supplementing and giving boob juice combined. You have to do what's best for your baby and as a mother, that's YOUR choice what you decide to do. My milk supply hasn't been an issue, in fact I seem to have a little bit of an over supply like I did with Ava. This will come in handy, in fact, I probably have 30oz+ in my freezer & then 25oz or so of fresh milk in the fridge. Not only is good to have on hand, it helps me out if I need to nap so someone else can help feed the babies and bond with them.

Anyways... so the pedi wanted Lola to gain some weight, so I started giving her a little more Formula. We went back this past weds for a follow up check. Lola was 5lbs 3oz (+3oz from a week ago, -2oz from birth weight) & Mila was 6lbs 6oz (+12oz from a week ago, +4oz from birth weight). Obviously Mila's numbers were great and Lola is at least gaining, but it wasn't much. At this stage babies should gain an ounce a day. It was a nurse only visit, so she said she would tell Dr. C my numbers and if there were an issue she would call me. So I took it upon myself to up Lola's feedings from 2.5hrs to 2hrs with Formula/Breastmilk combined. Weds evening came & went and we never heard from the doc. I thought it was odd, but maybe she thought the 3oz gain was ok.

Thursday morning I had my 2w post op appt with my OB's. Hubs came home from work to take me. My mom was home alone with all 3 girls!!! We fed, changed and got them situated before we left, but that's a lot to handle. Good thing they are well behaved :) I haven't weighed myself since I had the babies and last weigh in I was 216lbs, 3days before I gave birth... I weighed in at 180lbs! Almost lost 40lbs already! I really can't believe how little my stomach looks. Its still a little stretched of course and "loose". Dr. M couldn't believe how tiny I looked and all my swelling was gone. When I laid back on the table he said my stomach "disappeared" woot woot! He said my incision looked amazing since he did it lol. He also showed me my "Bile" blood work... not sure if you remember but I self diagnosed myself with ICP, a very dangerous complication that happens during pregnancy. I actually HAD IT. I couldn't believe it. Unfortunately the results take 7 business days and by the time they got it back, I had already delivered. He said had they checked weeks earlier and got those same results they would have delivered me a lot sooner. Wow... I'm just thankful nothing serious happened to the babies or myself. He also went over the pathology reports for the girls... they are officially Mono/Di Twins aka Identical Twins!!! Of course having one placenta and same blood types usually are an indicator, you have to get labs done to officially confirm. Two placentas can always fuse together as one. Its funny that even though they are identical everyone wants to make sure to point out how different they are. Of course they will have differences, just cracks me up that people want to be the ones to figure it out... its like they can't accept the fact they might be the same lol.

It felt so weird to actually be walking through the hospital. I'd been pushed in a wheelchair for months! But here I am walking hand and hand with Hubs and it felt great! When we got in the car I told Hubs maybe I should go to Medical School and become a doctor since I tend to correctly self diagnosis all the time. He said "either that or you can just be a really good guesser"    LMAO... I love that man.

I go back in 4w for my 6w post partum check up. I'm still trying to decide on my birth control... With Ava I took the mini pill (progesterone only) when she was about 3m old. I've thought of an IUD because its good for 5years, but I'm also great at remembering pills, so I'm not sure. I actually have a mini pill rx filled and its upstairs. Maybe I'll just take it today and make a final decision by my appt.

Friday night I was clipping coupons... yeah, coupons on a Friday!!!! My phone started vibrating and it was Dr. C's office... I immediately sighed. She said she got the weight checks and apologized for calling 2 days late. She wasn't thrilled with Lola's weight gain and asked about her feeding habits. I told her she take 2-2.5oz every 2.5hrs but that I had upped it to 2hrs. She said at this age most babies take 2.5-3oz, but since they were 4w early and twins, they are on track. She said it seemed maybe Lola was doing better since Weds and I agreed. I told her she's having wet/dirty diapers at almost every feed. She's a slow eater, but she eats. She's going to push our 1m appt up so monitor Lola a little more. She said to keep up with formula in addition to breastmilk like I've been doing and if I think she's not keeping up food wise with Mila, that I need to bring her in. Mila obviously has no concern because she had such a large increase in weight in 8days. So we feed, we wait and we see what happens! I can tell she's eating more and even starting to fill out her wrinkly old man skin too!

When it was time for bed Friday I asked Hubs how he wanted to do the sleeping arrangements. He said he would take the girls & Ava's monitor and handle the feedings and I can sleep in the other room... ALONE. I immediately felt guilty and said... No, we can sleep together. He said he could handle it and if he needed me he'd come wake me up. Ok... I can do this, I can let him be the care giver so I can sleep. I pumped one more time and I could hear the girls in the other room fussing a little. I cleaned up the parts, put the milk away and went back up. His room was silent. So I went to my bed and laid there... waiting for hell to break loose, the next thing I know... it's 8:30am Saturday Morning! We did the same thing last night... once again, after I finished my last pump session, I didn't wake up until I heard Ava on the monitor shriek out at 6:50am (I insisted on keeping her monitor). I waited a few mins and not another peep so I went in her room and covered her up. I went back to bed until she woke up for good at 8:30am... I feel like a whole new woman.

Men can handle this... you just have to show them what to do. We don't always have to be super mom. Marc does a great job. I helped him get the bottles together and told him what time to feed them. He set his alarm (the babies sleep... well! We have to wake them to feed) and he handled it. The babies were fine, he was fine and I was rested. I take the babies back to "my room" tonight, but I feel so refreshed that I know I can do the next 5 nights alone :)

btw... for anyone reading this that is pregnant. Always listen to your body. Google isn't the best place for advice, but it can educate you on what you're going through. I had the "itchy" stuff from ICP for a few weeks before I mentioned it. I thought it was just dry skin. Had I listened to my body more I would have delivered them sooner and I just thank god that we were all ok. If something doesn't seem right... just tell your doctor. Worse case scenario they explain why you feel like the way you do, either or, you can't lose... also, tell your husbands/ significant others what you need and expect of them. If they think you've got it handled, they'll let you handle it without realizing you need help.

xo

Home... Alone.... & Hubs Birthday!

Monday was supposed to be my first day Home Alone with the Tweebs & Beebs. Marcellus had gotten a bad cold so he decided he should stay home Monday to let it runs its course before getting thrown back into the Corporate America gig. This helped me establish a plan for the next day to come.

Tuesday 9/24 was also Hub's Birthday... I felt so ambitious. You'll probably think I'm crazy & delusional, but the day really could not have been any more perfect. I knew it would be a good day. I can adjust, I can do this. I don't need to be a sad greasy mess. I can be a clean happy organized person. Its ok I'm tired. I'll find time to take a nap. .

I had to feed the babies around 5:30am and finished a little after 6am. After feeding them both, changing diapers, burping, reswaddling & pumping some milk, I went downstairs, made some coffee, ate a delicious blueberry muffin, washed bottles & pump parts and went upstairs. Hubs was still home so I showered... and WASHED MY HAIR. We put the babies downstairs. At night I sleep in Swiss' room so Hubs can get rest since he's back to work... before you say anything, it was MY IDEA. I can handle this on my own and if I can't, I'll go wake him up. He's the one bringing in the checks so I need him as rested as possible. Plus I look forward to sleeping in on the weekends now ;)

I got situated downstairs and then Ava woke up around 8:30am. It felt great not being awoken from a deep or light sleep. Since the girls were already situated, as well as myself it made for an easy morning. I got her some milk and we snuggled on the couch watching Elmo... the kid won't watch a full episode of Sesame Street, she only wants to see Elmo, which his gig is usually the last 20mins of the show so I usually have to DVR and fast forward to either "Elmo's World" or "Elmo the Musical"... she tends to like the Musical ones more. Lately she hasn't wanted to eat breakfast right away, so she's usually up for a good 30mins before she's ready to eat. I nursed the girls while she ate waffles & fruit. My nips are still a little sensitive and every time Lola latches on its like a tiger on a zebra. I wince in pain until she gets her latch. When Ava was done I held Mila a little longer until I could tell Ava wanted to play and then I put her back in the Rock n Play. Soon after we went and got her dressed.

We sat on the floor and played, wrestled and watched TV. Right before lunch we decided to paint daddy a picture for his birthday. I got all over achiever on myself and made a pinterest inspiration. I put paint on the girls' feet and arranged them into a "heart" shape. It turned out really cute. I'll try and post a pic. Then we made him a card too. Ava had more paint on her body, but she was having a good time so it didn't matter. Plus she loved sitting in her chair "nakey" (sans shirt). While she painted I snuck in a quick feeding for the babies. Ava LOVES helping her sisters. She always wants to stand and help me change their diapers. Even if the supplies are handy to me I ask for her help so she feels involved. She always wants to see their poop. When I show her she says "ewwwww" and laughs so hard. She finds their poop so funny! She also runs empty bottles into the kitchen and drops them in the sink without being asked. She covers her sissies in kisses. Sometimes its a little much, but I'd rather have over affection then her being mean with them.

When I was still pregnant Ava LOVED to kiss my belly & her sissies. We had Mila's name picked out first so Ava always knew that was a name. Then we decided on Lola and I said... what are your sisters names? and she said... "Dorothy"... WHAT?? We started cracking up. Dorothy is Elmo's Pet Fish! Still to this day if you ask her what her sisters names are she will say Mila & Dorothy. She refuses to say Lola!

After our painting project I made us some lunch. We both had PB&J & fruit. She had broccoli (her FAVE) & I had some chips. After lunch I took her up for her nap. She went down easy as usual. I got to spend some extra time hugging and snuggling the girls. Ava slept about 2 hours so I got in some good quality time. It definitely is harder to spread the love, especially with two more babies as opposed to one, but I do what I can. I think right now, Ava gets the most because we're all she's known. I don't want her to feel like these little girls take her mommy & daddy away anymore than they already do.

Ava woke up refreshed. We ate a snack out on the back deck just the two of us. Then we went back in and played in the living room some more. Since it was Hubs Birthday, I made plans for my Aunt Mary to come over and hang with the girls until my Mom got off work. I wanted to take Hubs out for dinner! Mary got there a little after 5. Ava adores her like no other. I got all cute, hair, make up, clothes... it felt great! Hubs got home about 5:30 and had no idea what we were doing. I didn't have anything special planned, just a night alone. After I pumped, we fed the babies and then left. We drove past a House Rental first, but that was short lived bc we weren't thrilled with the area.

I gave Hubs 3 suggestions for dinner, all different cuisines. He chose Bonefish Grill (seafood), a place neither of us have been too before. We both ordered a Margarita... my first real (strong) drink!!!!! OMG it was amazing... it warmed my throat going down. Just as I remember, my favorite type of drink. The first one went down pretty easy and smooth... Hubs ordered another round and the 2nd, just as delicious and strong as the first was a little harder to finish. I think the "warming" sensation was traveling too fast through my body! I was definitely buzzed. The food was great. The company was great. The conversation was great. I missed that so much. Even when I was still pregnant I don't think we had a date night just the two of us since being in Ohio. We talked, laughed and flirted. I love that things picked up right where they left off during all the craziness over the last 5+ months.

We were talking about the girls and about when Ava was born. Soon Hubs had his phone out pulling up old pics of her when she was just born. We laughed and both talked about the pics. Where we were, what we were doing. It was such a great night. A little after 8pm we decided we should head home, plus my boobs were starting to over run my shirt. Only one thing could have added to the night to make it more perfect but we still have quite a bit of time before that's allowed ;)

We had such a great night and much needed one on one time in a quiet atmosphere. The restaurant was so busy that night, but it truly felt like we were just there alone. When we got engaged everyone always said... Things will change when you get married, just wait. They were right, but it changed for the better. Then they said things will change when we have kids... they were right again, but it changed for the better once again... we might have had a rough summer trying to get ourselves situated and on track, but we never lost site of ourselves and the reason we're here, together. Despite my stresses and worries whether it was about the babies or finances, I always felt as if my husband still loved me the same if not more and vice versa. We've been through a lot and things are already looking up. I made out in the Husband lottery... he's not perfect, I'm not perfect, we're not perfect, but we love each other beyond measure and that can get you through anything.

Recovering from a c-section

Besides NOT wanting to be cut open and my babies yanked out, I was afraid of the recovery of a c-section. The only other major surgery I had was when I was 9yrs old and it was on my ear that left me deaf.

Laughing, coughing & sneezing were my worst enemies... that and trying to bend over and pick something up off the floor. While in the hospital room I dropped quite a few things, pens, nipple cream, important documents, etc. These all stayed on the floor until someone else walked in. I tried a couple time to just spread my legs a part and slowly bend over, only to realize I could get about half way before I was out of breath and in pain. Everytime a cough, sneeze or laugh came on, I had to push against my incision with my hand, that felt awful, but helped with the pressure. A couple times I swore I busted a stitch. Its the most uncomfortable & painful feeling ever.

While in the shower I'm standing all hunched over cleaning my incision, which by the way looks great. I expected to see staples, thread, fishing lures, etc... but it was invisible. I guess its an internal stitch. When I touch it, it feels like its braided like rope on the inside. Its a "smiley face" and I hope I'm able to keep my stomach tight so it doesn't turn into a frown. Its also a lot lower than I expected. The only person who will see it is my husband... or probably my little sister or any of my girl friends who want too lol. I haven't "touched up" that area since pre babies and I'll probably be too afraid to get a razor near there even after its completely healed, which at almost 2weeks I'm sure we're about there.

Anyways... when I was in the hospital showering I just remember thinking I would never be able to recover. I was on Percocet and Motrin every 6hours. Which I could take the Percocet every 4, but I was trying to be a hero. I was afraid to stand up straight, to have anything touch my belly, to even sit or lay. Nothing was comfortable. Its amazing how quickly your body heals. By day 4 I was only taking the Percocet before bed, just to help me relax to sleep. I was completely done with it before a week. I only took the Motrin as needed, if I felt like I over did it for the day. I was going up and down the steps like a champ. Everything was great... until I realized I didn't have a bowel movement since the weds before the birth, 9/11... it had been 8 days and I finally felt one coming on. I'd still been on Colace, but ran out. So Hubs had to make a last minute run for me. I remember I sent a group text to my "crusties" telling them this would be the moment... it was not pretty. I'll just say, I was glad to finally have pooped... even if it did look like week old cheesy hamburger helper. I also got a bad case of the roids to go with it and out went the Hubs again to get me some relief. He came back with quite a few options to help me out. Two days later, I was back to normal.

If I had to choose a c-section or vaginal delivery... I would probably choose a Vaginal. I've now had both and even though something is stretching out your hot box, the recovery for me was a lot quicker and I even had two bad tears with Ava. I also don't like not knowing what's going on behind the curtain or not getting to really see/touch/feel my babies. The thought of surgery and recovering is not pretty, especially looking back at the side effects I had from the meds. Now here I am almost 2 weeks post partum and I do feel really good. I still hold my stomach when I cough, laugh, sneeze, but I don't need too... I'm just paranoid. I wear a binder around my stomach 24/7 and I attribute that to my stomach shrinking fast and feeling support in my stomach. I could probably walk a mile and not feel bad, but I do wonder though why you get so much more time off for a c-section as opposed to a vaginal delivery? If I was working, I wouldn't mind the extra time, but I feel like its not really necessary? Unless they x out two weeks thinking you can't really bond with baby while you're recovering? If that's the case, then it makes sense.

The Hospital Stay: Part 2

I woke up around 6:30am Friday (9/13) ready to see my girls. I called my nurse and she said she would come get me situated and then bring the girls too me. I could get up and walk! Much better than the night before.

At 7am the shift changed and I got a new nurse, who came complete with two little boys. Ok they weren't little boys, they were young men and nursing students. She asked if it was ok they shadowed and helped her. I always say yes... people have to learn somewhere! They might not end up in L&D but they still need to know it all. After talking with them I realized a couple moms didn't want them in their rooms. That sucks. They saw me breastfeed, my stretched belly, incision and checked me for bleeding & removed my catheter. Not my most glorious moments, but owell.

A few hours later I noticed that Mila was making these "grunting/whimpering" noises that the Nursery Nurse told me about the day prior. I held her, fed her, did skin to skin and she kept doing it. I told my nurse and she looked over and said she seemed fine, but to do skin to skin for 25+ mins and see if that helped... it didn't. She kept the noises... so she called the Pediatrician and she came and took a look. She thought she sounded a little labored so they took her down to the nursery to examine her. She was brought back shortly after and the pedi said she ordered an xray to look at her lungs. Ugh. Instantly upset... I started having thoughts when Ava had pneumonia last November. I know xrays don't physically hurt you, but its just an overwhelming experience to see your baby so vulnerable. I asked the pedi where we had to go and she said for us to just stay tight, that the x-ray tech would come to us and it would be very soon. No sooner than she left the room did the tech arrived. It was actually less scary than what Ava went through and she just laid on the board inside her isolate. A few snaps and the tech left.

About 20mins later the pedi came back in and said that Mila still had a lot of fluid still in her lungs... she said that if she were only a few hours old this wouldn't be a problem, but since she was over 24hrs old it worried her and she would need to be sent to the NICU for closer monitoring. I kinda felt numb... I was relieved that overall they were pretty healthy despite being 4w early, but I was sad bc I thought we were in the clear. I would have expected this immediately after their birth, but not the next day. I had prepared myself for a NICU stay despite the fact that their ultrasounds were all great, but then once I was told the NICU team left soon after they were born, my "preparedness" went away. This was around 2pm. We were told it would take about an hour for her to get settled into her own room and once she was ready they would allow us to come over. I of course called down to the NICU line at 3pm on the dot... she wasn't ready, they had an emergency and they were still getting her situated. They asked me to call back in 30mins. So I did... still not ready, this time they advised they were having troubles getting the IV into her tiny little veins. The thought of my little baby getting poked numerous times immediately churned my stomach. They asked me to call back around 4:30pm. I did and they told me they were still working on getting the IV's in and that they blew the veins in her arms, hands and foot and they will have to try her scalp. I was warned that meant they would have to shave her hair. That part didn't bother me, but again, the thought of this tiny little one day old baby being poked so many times broke my heart. I never mind having blood taken or getting IV's, but I've had two veins blow before when entering a pic (?) line and that shit HURTS.

They told us they were almost done and that we could head down. I was feeling sad and started to cry a little and went into the bathroom to clean myself up before we went down. Ironically my dad/stepmom showed up at that exact moment. So here I am in the bathroom trying to pull myself together. Between the stomach pain of the csection, effects of the Percocet & news of Mila it was hard to regroup. So they got to meet Lola & spend some time with her. A few mins later, my mom, Beebs & Swiss all came as well. So we left my mom, sis and Ava behind in the room and my Dad & Stepmom (aka Evil Step Mom-- ESM, inside joke with her lol) walked down to the NICU with Marc & I to go see Mila. When we got to the check in, the receptionist said we couldn't go back yet bc Mila wasn't ready... I got snappy. I blame it on the hormones and the thoughts of what Mila was going through... I told her it wasn't acceptable and that I was told an hour, then 30mins, then 30mins and then I was told she was ready and I just want to see my daughter. I know it wasn't her fault, she's just the messenger and I never did get to apologize and I feel bad about that. Now it seems they couldn't get the IV in her scalp either :( So they were now doing a procedure through her belly button... what the heck. I immediately started crying. Marcellus tried to console and I could tell my Dad & ESM felt helpless... here they are wanting to meet their new grandchildren and I'm a mess. Finally a nurse came out and said we could wait in Mila's room.

I love Aultman Hospital... I also love their NICU. It's not just one big room lined with Isolates, it is a bunch of smaller hospital rooms with couches, rockers & TV's inside with your child which is their OWN ROOM. It is beyond comfortable and even though they have the big enclosed isolate that looks like a space ship, you don't feel like you're in a "scary place". We sat in there and talked... for awhile. Finally our nurse came in from Mila's "procedure". She said that they were still trying to get the line into her belly... once they get it in they have to do an x-ray to make sure it didn't enter her Liver. They have to go in 10ml, any further and they are in the liver, any shorter and it could slip out. After waiting awhile we decided to go back to my room so my parents could visit with Lola. After all it would be awhile before Mila would be ready for us and I decided that I only wanted Marc to be in the room with me when we saw her for the first time because I wasn't sure what to expect to see...

We got back to the room and I was so happy to see Ava & Lola but really sad that we were missing a part of our family... even though she was down the hall I felt like Mila was so far away. My gf Lyne is a NICU RN in Austin so of course I was texting her and she was easing my mind. I'm so lucky to have so many brilliant nurses just a text away!

A little before 9pm our guests all left for the night. We soon got the call that Mila was ready. That they were feeding her (through a tube) & we could come down. Hubs pushed me in the wheelchair and pulled Lola in the isolate down to the Nursery. We got to Mila's room and there she was... The word that immediately came to mind was "pathetic"... I mean she LOOKED great and beautiful, but the front of her hair was shaved immaculately straight across (kinda like a Lebron James hairline), a tiny tube, smaller than a strand of spaghetti looped in through her nose, taped to her cheek, 2 little tiny stickers with hearts on them connected to more wires, tiny blood bruises already forming on the tops of her hands, foot, arm creases and scalp where the failed IV's were and then the line into her belly button that was covered in tape. Hubs said... Wow, that's a lot of tape, that's going to hurt coming off.  He was so right. On top of everything else, once she gets better they have to take all that stuff off. The bigger picture was that she was in good hands... the Nurse told us that it took two tries to the line into her belly... two times they got it into the Liver, which obviously is not good, so the 2nd time they pulled it back a little and it was fine. They said she was doing really well and was a really easy baby. That they fed her and she adjusted well to the tube feeding.

We sat in there for about an hour and I started getting incredibly exhausted. Hubs was starving so he ran to grab some food. I stayed behind with Mila for a little bit longer talking to her. While I was in there another baby was going through something scary... A loud alarm sounded, his mom ran out into the hall and started to get hysterical screaming for her nurse and crying uncontrollably, all the nurses ran to the babies room and started to work on him/her. As if this isn't scary enough, here is a mom in an obviously bad situation. I felt so horrible for her and I started to stress about Mila. Although we were in a great place, it was still a place for babies that weren't feeling well. I prayed for her and her baby... I don't know their story, their names, or even how they are today, but I pray that baby & mom are both doing well.

I texted Marc that I just couldn't do this... I didn't feel strong enough. Even though our nurse assured me that these measure for Mila were just a "pre caution" you get a different feeling when you're in there. The doc stopped to talk to us and said that they think she possibly had an infection and that she would be there until Sunday at the earliest. They had to wait for the Blood Cultures to come back and that could take 48hrs. I kept wondering if it was bc I was GBS+, but I had a c-section, so that should have helped. I decided I needed to go back to the room. I said some prayers and said good night to Mila. A nurse wheeled me back to the room just as Marc came back. He was staying the night this time, especially bc all that was going on with Mila. We went down to the nursery to say goodnight to Lola. Soon after getting back to the room, I was passed out.

I slept well... I'll thank the Percocet & Motrin. We got up & went to visit Mila. The nurse said she had a great night!! She handled the antibiotics well & ate like a Champ. Her opinion was that she would be 100% fine :) We had them bring Lola back from the Nursery and we spent all morning snuggling with her hoping to bring her sister back. I just kept thinking I hope she goes home with us tomorrow... I can't leave my baby behind! Around lunch time we got great news that Mila would be coming back to our room around 1-2pm!! Everything looked great and she would be fine, the fluid in her lungs was starting to dwindle. This was unexpected yet very welcomed news! Hubs went to grab some lunch while I ate in my room. My stepsister came to visit so she walked down with me to go see Mila. I walked behind my wheelchair and it felt good to be mobile. She looked beautiful! All of her tubes, wires and monitors were already off! The nurse was giving her a bottle also!! She gave me Mila so I could finish feeding her. After 5ml she fell asleep... the nurse said that wasn't good enough and she was too comfortable. She showed me that if I fed her away from my body she wouldn't be as cozy and will wake up to eat. She sat her on my thigh and the only thing touching her was my left hand holding her up, right hand giving her the bottle and her legs/bottom resting on my thigh. I felt like this was so impersonal, but it worked. She downed 15ml more! The things you learn :) We hung out a little longer and then it was time for me to pump and feed Lola (they are on the same schedule). I remembered at this point that a highschool friend of mine Ellen, had sent us a NICU "care package" a few weeks prior in case the girls had a NICU stay. She has founded her own Non-Profit called "Socks for Surgery". It's an amazing charity where you can request NICU items and everything is donated and you receive them for free. I'll post some pics below. When babies/children are in the NICU or go in for surgery usually they only thing they can keep with them are their socks... so she customizes them and makes them something that is "theirs" to keep in the hospital with them.

A nurse walked with me back to my room and about an hour later Mila came!!!! We were so happy to have our family back :) It was just the 4 of us for a little bit and we were so happy, all we needed was Ava. The rest of the stay is starting to be a blur since it's been awhile since we've been back and I thought I could remember the details but its proven to be pretty hard at this point! I will say... if you have a catheter inserted, make sure you remember to unhook it from your bed before you get up and walk around... YIKES. Also, I had no idea that besides "what's your pain number" that "have you passed gas yet" would be a top question by all my nurses. The first time I was asked I said "I'm sure I have..." the nurse said, I need to know for sure and believe me you will know. You need to walk around more to get a fart out. Ummm, ok... I'll work on that immediately! I told her I had a pain up near my right shoulder, kinda like a shooting pain that hurt when I would inhale... she said it was a GAS PAIN!!!! Isn't that crazy?! So far away from my butt. That pain was enough for me to get up and start walking right then and there... I had a couple almost farts. I felt it coming and I didn't want to push or strain but I tried to help ease it out and then it would get lost back inside me. I had no idea that trying to fart post c-section would be so difficult. Finally around 3pm Sat ( I know this is out of order) I passed gas. I was so excited I wrote it on the marked up dry erase board so that all my nurses would know in case I wasn't in the room. I'm so glad they didn't make me have a bowel movement first, because that took about 1 week...

We got to leave Sunday around 2pm... we bundled up our two new daughters and headed back to my Mom's. Hubs didn't drive near as slow as he did with Ava (I'll throw the 2nd/3rd child syndrome out there now, this comes in handy in future blog posts lol). We arrived to my moms and she had 2 cute "its a girl" sign outside waiting for us with pink balloons. They also had our rock n plays setup with pink comfy blankets, decorations and even a glitter "L" & "M" on the rock n plays. We actually still have them up. It helps people determine who is who without having to do physical checks lol.
Ava was asleep when we got back so we were able to get situated. When she woke up, our family was complete and she just kept kissing her sisters... So glad to have our family together again and all I needed to do at this point was be able to walk and stand without pain!

So thankful for healthy children... maybe I over reacted a little with Mila in the NICU, but at the time you have no idea what is going on. You're being told your 1 day old can have an infection that could keep her in the hospital 10days or longer. There are a million and one thoughts racing through your mind especially when you see all the other babies in there that are so tiny. My cousin Grant was a 27w NICU baby and he is now a 2yr old (in july) healthy happy toddler! Prayers work!!!

xo