ok, so I've posted a couple times about me crying. Its mainly because I feel bad... like I'm not giving each girl (including Ava) all that they need. I truly feel as if there isn't enough of me to go around. Of course I have tears flowing from frustration, but that stems from the same origin.
I don't feel guilty for leaving the house to meet my friends for a drink, treating myself to a pedicure or having date night with Hubs. I truly believe getting out of the house for yourself, is the best gift you can give your soul & your family. When you're out doing other things, it makes you feel full and feeling full keeps you happy... and when you're happy, it oozes out of you and everyone around you feels happy too. I want my family to be happy and if I'm not happy... how could they possibly be?
The girls have flat spots... I feel guilty that I'm not doing more to correct them. I know it takes time for it to change because it took awhile (mostly in utero) to get where it is, but I feel bad. I feel like some how I should be doing more. I feel guilty that Lola is so teeny tiny. I know I didn't give her LM, but I feel like maybe I should be on a more strict schedule of feeding her every 1.5hours around the clock. I feel guilty that Ava sits in front of Elmo and Mickey Mouse Clubhouse (which of course she loves) for far more hours than we spend reading books during the day or playing outside. I feel guilty that we eat out a lot because I'm just too exhausted to cook dinner, let alone have more than one free arm at a time. I have so much mommy guilt that it eats at me. By the time I do get to bed at night, I usually lay there and just shake my head at myself... thinking about all the things we "should have" done that day. More tummy time, listen to more music, dance more with Ava, put the girls in a cute outfit besides simple white onesies all the time, take more pics, etc...
There is usually a time every day where I question myself as a mother. I don't regret trying to get pregnant again, but I do regret that I don't have more help. I don't regret that we have twins, I regret that I didn't reach out to more people for support. I feel like the girls can't possibly benefit much from just having one person with them everyday and it kills me. I truly feel as if something is wrong with them, it's because of something I didn't do or didn't do right. I never felt like this with Ava and I know its because I wasn't overwhelmed. Sure, I was a first time mom and beyond exhausted, but not THIS exhausted & run down. I was still able to at least go through the motions when I was so tired, but she could never know that and it never effected her. I feel like this time around... it will effect them.
I know these last couple of posts probably seem depressing and that upsets me even more. Its completely opposite of my personality. Of course there are a lot of AMAZING times and they really outweigh the frustration & exhaustion I have. I just don't talk much about whats hurting inside to anyone. I don't like to bother people or bore them or tell them something where they might feel bad... not my style. Of course have some really great friends I share info with, but even then I try to censor it. Maybe its a character flaw I have... I really don't want people to worry or feel they need to help me just because I'm venting about something. Thats one reason why I still love writing in this blog... whether 1 person reads it, or 10,000... I couldn't care less, I'm just happy to get it off my chest. I share my feelings mostly with Marcellus & I can't thank him enough for all the encouragement he gives me, but sometimes I don't want encouragement... I just want someone to listen and not say anything back... Like my blog!
I guess what I'm trying to say... is this is really hard. I know it gets easier & I'm not the first mom to have twin newborns and a 2 year old, but for now I just hope I'm enough for these little girls.
No comments:
Post a Comment